


Illusions of the Sunlight

by Eustacia Vye (eustaciavye)



Series: Infinity War Fix It [7]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 07:32:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14612898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eustaciavye/pseuds/Eustacia%20Vye
Summary: We survive the war, because we have to. There's too much to lose if we don't.





	Illusions of the Sunlight

Natasha was pleasantly surprised by the Dora Milaje letting her train with them and use their facilities in the palace complex, though she also knew it was likely because Okoye had seen her fight in the battlefield. She was prepared to prove herself a warrior like them, that she would do her part to help Wakanda rebuild, that she wasn't banking on her former status as an Avenger. Possibly because Okoye had seen her fight, there was none of that grandstanding at all. Or maybe they were all grieving as much as everyone else; the surviving Dora's numbers had been randomly halved as well.

"We all have lost too much," one of the Dora told her, voice breaking. Natasha thought her name was Xoliswa, but couldn't actually remember. Introductions of the remaining members had been a swirl of names in a smattering of languages she was unfamiliar with. Natasha would have to learn them.

"Sometimes I can't help but think that it could've been worse," Natasha told her in hushed tones. "Could be my pragmatic side."

"You're probably not wrong," Xoliswa agreed with a sigh. She looked up as Okoye entered the training salle. "All have lost quite a bit, but I think it is worst for her."

"Why is that?"

"Okoye watched our King crumble in front of her, and she could not protect him." Natasha sucked in a pained breath; she hadn't heard that story yet. "And it turns out she had lost W'Kabe as well, though he had betrayed our King to side with the pretender two years ago. I never trusted him after that, but they seemed to have worked through that patch."

"So much death."

Xoliswa looked at her with a critical eye. "Ayo had said you are the Black Widow. That death does not trouble you as it would an ordinary civilian."

"Maybe. But even an assassin has her limits," Natasha murmured.

The Dora nodded and watched Okoye talk with another member across the salle. "From what I have seen of your visits with Captain Rogers, you have tired of death for quite some time."

_We survive the war, because we have to. There's too much to lose if we don't._

Natasha found herself repeating Bucky's words as Okoye approached them. She nodded at the warrior, feeling wrung out and empty. _Bucky,_ she wanted to wail. But everyone else in the room had lost someone as well, so she wasn't alone in her grief.

"Taking a rest?" Okoye asked.

"I'll get back into formation in a moment," Natasha said, forcing a weary smile on her face.

Okoye nodded at Xoliswa and said something in Xhosa that had her replying and then moving back to the opposite side of the salle. "Do you have a homeland any longer?" she asked, still no inflection in her tone.

"I used to think it was the United States. And there was Russia before that, I suppose. But for the past few years? We were constantly on the move."

"I wager that your team was your homeland. That you would do anything to protect them, as if they were family." Okoye's eyes slid past Natasha, and she was clearly seeing something else besides the training salle. "Even if they anger you, it pains you when they're gone."

"You've lost so much," Natasha said quietly.

Her gaze came back to rest on Natasha. "So have you." She nodded at Natasha's appearance, with the blonde hair and darker colored clothing. "Even before this battle was fought."

"Sometimes I forget that I shouldn't want anything," Natasha admitted. It was easy to talk to Okoye about this because there were no misconceptions of her to keep, no reputation to live down. She was a fighter with no intention of harming Wakanda or its interests, and that was all Okoye needed to know.

"It's a lonely way to live."

"Steve told me that, too."

"He has his moments of wisdom."

Natasha couldn't help but laugh at that. "I was trying to build something. I tried to keep them all together, to make sure they were as safe as they would allow themselves to be in that kind of political atmosphere. I could see it coming, and I thought I could protect them from themselves."

"Sometimes you can't," Okoye said, compassion in her tone as she sat down where Xoliswa had been. "They need to learn their own lessons. Otherwise, they remain fools."

"She told me you lost your husband as well as your king."

"You lost your love and a number of friends as well."

Natasha looked down at her hands, fingers twisted together. "It never gets easier. There's a long list of the dead behind me, the lives I took and the lives I couldn't save. It's exhausting to keep carrying that."

"Who asked you to take on that burden?"

"No one," Natasha said, shaking her head. "It was for me that I kept a ledger. I was used as a weapon for a long time, pulled out of hiding, pointed in a direction, and then sent out into the world to do it. It was a dark kind of life, but all I knew."

"And now you are here."

"It was nice while it lasted," Natasha said with a wan smile, eyes shining with unshed tears as she looked up at Okoye. "I got to pretend to be normal. That I could walk around in the sunlight and be a person, not just as weapon. Even being on the run, looking like this, not like who people remembered me as... I was still treated as a person. That was nice. I almost had that with Bucky."

Okoye nodded. "You never get used to grieving. Not really. If there is duty, a sense of purpose... That can save you from it, can give you purpose. I am that way, too. My duty to the throne of Wakanda, to protect whoever sits on it..." She nodded briskly and pursed her lips slightly. "It's easy to think on duty, to focus on that and not the pain behind it. I still have that. And perhaps because your homeland had become your people, you've lost that sense of purpose."

"They were my family," Natasha agreed, a hoarse cast to her voice. She lowered her eyes, not able to take in the understanding in Okoye's gaze. "I don't have anyone else. And now most of them are gone."

"Our people are not your people, and none can replace your people. But ours is a land of sun and opportunity, and I know your people had tried to build a life here."

Natasha gave a bitter sounding snort of laughter. "Bucky told me about the farm he was on. He was proud of his work there, raising the goats."

"Of course he was! Goats are sturdy, multipurpose animals, capable of a lot more than people think they are. He was the same way." Okoye eyed her critically. "He found a place of comfort here, and I think some of your pain is that you were not able to do the same."

She looked up at Okoye. "I respect the people here, but it's not home to me. I don't know where that would be, but it's not here."

Okoye nodded. "Others may leave as well. There may be debates about closing our borders again. But we need to rebuild our lands and our people, and you can still help us do so."

"Pretend to fit in here?" Natasha asked archly.

"Illusions sometimes have a way of being reality eventually," Okoye murmured. 

"My life was built on illusions," Natasha said, not able to hide the bitterness in her voice. "And I've got very little to show for it."

"Because you continued to hide in darkness," Okoye said flatly. "Because you may have accepted your past, but you could not accept the future that goes with it."

"I'm meant to do the things that others can't."

"Not all of that work has to be for a dark purpose," she replied, standing. "There is pain, so much pain. But life is pain, Natasha. A life well lived is not one of ease. It's strength of will, strength of purpose, strength in numbers. We have our numbers here, our families, our home. We live in the sunlight and we know we hid behind an illusion of poverty to the outside world. But we knew the truth of our lives." She paused a moment, then extended a hand. "Take on his farm. Live in our land, get to know our people. Maybe they will become your people as well."

"Are you allowed to invite strangers to live in your country?" Natasha asked wryly, taking her hand.

Okoye laughed. "You're not a citizen, you're a royal guest. You were always welcome here. I'm simply reminding you of that fact."

Natasha blinked in surprise. "Oh."

"You trust so little," Okoye murmured gently. "That leaves you easily hurt and wounded. Trust in us, in the Dora and our strength."

She gave Okoye a sad smile. "It's good to be part of something."

"Of course it is. Come. Train with our sisters, let us borrow strength from one another." Her sad smile mirrored Natasha's, and their grips tightened. "Our loss and our sorrow grow, but we will be stronger for it, and will fight better."

"You think Thanos is coming back?"

"If not him, whatever threat comes." Okoye let go of Natasha's hand to cross her arms over her chest and stand regally tall. "Wakanda forever!"

Natasha nodded and mirrored the gesture. "Wakanda forever."


End file.
